C

Trainings and NETworx

I find myself drawn ever moreso to the allure of travel.  Being in places I really have no right to be in, just to be there, and experience life there is very intriguing.  I'd love to find a way to travel each year a few times.  Maybe even finding a less-than-often traveled means of getting there.  Like getting to a country via boat instead of plane, but not cruise-liner, and closer to fishing boat or charter.  Hell, even walking there from another country would be nice.  And I'd love to do it in different garb than expected.  It would be unique for the locals and make it bit more memorable.

Places I'd like to visit:

Japan

Cuba

Iceland (even though they were the bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2)

Cancun

Brazil (during Carnival)

Mexico City (during La Dia de los Muertos)

Peru??? (Bro-in-law is from there)

Australia

New Zealand

Bahamas

WW2 tour (England, Italy, Belgium, Germany, France, Poland, Austria, Switzerland)

Sweden

Greece

Anyways, learning the languages to me would be important.  So that would be:

Japanese, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, German, Dutch, French, Polish, Icelandic, Greek, Swedish

12 languages... I wonder if I could do that... I'm sure I'd learn shortcuts and improve on the process significantly as I go from language to language.  The Latin-based languages would be easier with my Spanish and Latin experience already.  The German languages would be different.  Maybe.

Panic and Cold-Sweats

Around the Whirl in 80 Minutes

This weekend was a bust of sorts.  Friday I drank until I was really out of it.  I recognized this, and cooked up some pasta to help counteract the symptoms.  I didn't have any sauce, so I used some lemon juice and various spices/herbs to flavor it.  It was disgusting, but drunk me didn't seem to mind.  It did help clear me up after an hour or so.

However, Saturday around 11 a.m. I got a migraine that stayed with me through the rest of the day.  It made my Saturday activities unmanageable, so I just sat there, and tried to endure, despite taking Advil every 4 hours without comfort.  I took some zzzQuil to help me sleep that night.

Sunday was a bit better, but I felt exhausted, recovering from the migraine.  And when I went to the store to get the stuff I should have gotten on Saturday, I nearly had a panic attack.  I lost focus, couldn't concentrate, started sweating profusely, and it was a cold sweat, and couldn't realize what was going on.  It was hard to breathe, remember things, and I felt like I was going to pop.  I called Jack, and he distracted me for 12 minutes, and got me through the brunt of it.  When I looked at my cart after, I had put some stuff in there I didn't go there to get, and made my way through checkout before I put in a bunch more I didn't need.

Getting home, I cooked up some bacon, tried to eat some pears, thinking it was low blood-sugar, and it wasn't, and debated driving 30 minutes to visit my sister and her family.  While eating the pears, I nearly couldn't get them down -- they just tasted so much not like what I needed that having them in my mouth made me nauseous.  Water, sodium, or sugar proved fruitless to whatever was ailing me, but I really didn't want to not visit with my sister, so despite my concerns for driving an hour after I nearly passed out, I drove down.  I had a hearty, 2-minute cry while I was driving, and that really seemed to make me feel better.  I guess some sort of hormonal or chemical imbalance that was evened out through my expulsion of tears helped to bring me back around, and I felt great for the rest of the night.

When I got home, around 9:45, I watched a show, waited for sleep to call me, and then fell asleep.  Waking up at my alarm, and wanting to sleep another hour, I reset my alarm and rolled back over.  I was pulled back awake by a text from one of my guys saying he was sick, and I got up about 45 minutes after I intended to.  Since I didn't have food things to worry about, I showed up at work about 15 minutes later than usual.  So it felt pretty good to just roll over and go back to sleep.

Today I'm feeling pretty chill, and trying to keep that going, and see if I can have a good week.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend

Bob and Ross

Into the Void

I have had a not-so-great week when it comes to sanity and self-esteem.  The last time I felt this down was over a decade ago, and it was largely caused from an obsession with numbers that I once had, which led to me blacking out, and coming to lodged upside-down under a desk that was already much too small for just my legs.  This episode didn't result in that, as I discovered a fix for it before I fully cracked, and that was sunlight.  The sun seemed to melt away a lot of the claustrophobic feelings I was enduring.  It didn't cure me entirely, but stopped me just short of toppling over the edge and blacking out.

However, since then, I had very terrible sleep on Sunday night, which led to fatigue Monday, and increased stress, causing anxiety, making it harder to sleep.  Cue Wednesday night, where my 3-hour nap didn't do enough for me, and I had to go home halfway through Thursday so I could try and sleep.  Some help from firewater and a sleep-assisted medicine, and I took a quick nap in my computer chair, followed by another 3-hour nap in my bed.  I ate dinner, groggily watched a movie, and then dozed off again for another 8 hours.  12 hours total, and now I feel stupid for having to take a half-day because of stress levels not being taken care of.

So now I'm needing to implement some better stress releases.  And really, I don't know what will do it.  While emotional escapes will help, I find most of my stress comes from worrying about things, and scenarios which might come up.  So it really feels like something I need to do to slow my mind down, which I've only done with some sort of substance.  And as I've stated in the past, at least vocally, I can't rely on a substance to exist, as that would indicate that I no longer have much of a say over my life.  And I can't be okay with that.

How do I slow my mind down?  All I can think of is meditation, but how?  Do I learn about means of reprogramming my mind, and see if I can force it into a shut-down cycle?  Do I discover a mantra that I iterate when I need to sleep, and eventually saying that will induce the chemicals my brain needs to allow REM?  Hell, maybe trying to employ the terrifying concept of lucid dreaming should be used, so I can adequately express myself in a particular situation, as psychotically as I want, without worrying about ramifications.  I.  Don't.  Know.

So now, at the end of the week, looking toward the weekend with some apprehension of how it will go, or what I will be able to accomplish, and am already regretting Monday, despite the changes I will be making to my diet.  Since, regardless of the presence and health of my mind, if I don't address the health in my body, I will absolutely not have enough time to benefit from getting my mind there.  If I have any shot of maybe doing Scotland in December, which is 3 months away, I need something extreme.  And right now, being closer to 480 in size, getting to or under 400 by Christmas is a bit dangerous, but feels absolutely necessary.

I've already ordered what I need for this change and new schedule, and hopefully my new schedule will dictate for me what I do and don't have time to do.

Perhaps I do need an evening routine, which I must do before bed.  I shall explore that tonight, in preparation for next week.  

Work has suffered as a result of all this, as my motivation to be me is just so low, pretending to be someone else is just not happening.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend

Rage and ASMR

System of a Frown

Holy shit-pickle, Batman -- what a week!  Let me start by staying I had a pretty big crisis rooted in existentialism over the weekend, and ended up so depressed and feeling a sense of hopelessness/pointlessness that I haven't been able to focus or sleep.  I'm very tired... of just so many things.  I'm tired of a job that demands so much more of me than I really want to give it, and having so little that I'm passionate about outside of work that even if I worked less, I'd find another form of disappointment waiting for me, with a waffle and cigar in-hand each night.

And I'm not quite over it all yet, but need to find ways of staying positive.  I thought research activities would keep me intrigued enough to stave off the feelings, but it didn't.  What did start to help was researching things to research... ironically.  And that is leading to the need to record my thoughts right now, as I need to make some more changes to my self and schedule.

Kempo, Painting, Harmonica(?), Jazz drums, sanding...

I got massively distracted for the rest of the day.  The above are hobbies, which I feel I could do as a means of calming down at the end of each day.  For Kempo, it's more of the slower style of technique in martial arts, like Tai Chi, but similar to the Karate Kid III kata that Daniel does.  Something slow, intentional, focused.  Painting doesn't necessarily have to be Bob Ross style, but can be aggressive or even angry -- a channel in which I can focus my thoughts and let it all out.  Harmonica is a bit of a toss-up for me, because it's loud and abrasive, but is small and compact, so it can be taken with me on trips, and relied on for a vacation form of calming down, as long as I can play it calmly and softly.  Jazz drums is just another way of saying "banging away" to the beat of life.  Sanding means that I might try and shape wood, solely through the merits of hand-sanding things.  It will take a long time to get projects done, but they are meant to help calm me down, and slowly degrading a piece of wood into a precise intention sounds highly relaxing to me.  Nothing rough or aggressive -- just the slow, perceived motions of grinding something into nothingness.

I might even start with a bow, and buy a piece of hickory (though I wish bamboo was more available), and trace out a pattern.  Spend time on a Saturday cutting off the bigger chunks, and begin sanding down the edges into something smooth.  Maybe even use some of my painting tools to help with little grooves or decorations.

Then make some arrows, create the fletching and arrowheads, and connect with a string.  Then maybe find a range to test it out on.

I'm considering making an ASMR channel on youtube with it all, but that will cause some stress.  I might record it, but not post it for now, until I know it works for me.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend

Bound and Unbound

Delay of Thoughts

I know it's been some time.  My last thoughts were on the finality of things to come, which have passed.  And I had a friend explain that a journal is a means of exerting control and accountability on things which you might otherwise overlook.  So I'm back, with not more than a few weeks of silence.

So what's happened?  Nothing really to worry about.  The retirement party went well, and was also their 40th anniversary.  Things changed last-minute, decisions were made for groups without consulting the groups, and I got to foot the bill for a party that was taken away from my ability to provide input on.  So, I'm a bit butt-hurt about that, but it's in the past, and all I can do is to learn from the experience and move on.  I'm trying to not let it get me down.

The party is over, and past is now what I was worrying about in the future.  And since the past can't be changed, we are now where I cannot meddle into.

The party was good, and the parents loved it.  My Pop was surprised by my sisters showing up, and my Mom was moved to tears by the songs my brother wanted to play.  We gave gifts, and spent time together, and I got to help my Dad out with some things around the yard and house.  All-in-all, it was good.

Cronenbergs and Blobs

I have deleted all games and social apps from my phone.  I have logged out of all social media on work and home systems.  Yesterday I opened a tab at least a dozen times looking to go to Facebook, and had to remember to not do that.  It was ingrained in my mind so that it was a passive action, and not really thought about, like a nervous twitch.

I have a plan for all the things I need to do to physically de-clutter my life, and I'm hoping that this Saturday will be for cleaning a lot of things up, moving things out, throwing things away, donating things, and simplifying my life by a large margin.

I was going to spend a lot of time researching things for writing, and spend Saturdays and Sundays writing.  I was going to revisit an old idea, and see if I can push through it, but had an interesting dream while I was in Washington that I'm going to put into a story.  It's one of those dreams that kinda sticks with me, and I want to embrace it instead of trying to get rid of it.

The basic essence is that the world is infected by blobs which can consume anything, and as it consume materials, it learns how to make the rest of the pink, gelatin mass that it is into whatever it consumes.  So it consumes grass, and can disguise itself to look like grass.  And when unsuspecting creatures touch it, they are consumed immediately by the mass.  But it's not seen by anyone.  Like... if they touched a railing, and the railing was this creature, then where they touch is where the creature penetrates through the person, and within a second has entered into the body, severing the spinal column, and killing the person, but keeping the person upright so it looks like they just froze in place.  And the connection to the brain from this creature allows it to "learn" to be human, so then the now dead person, who looks like they just hesitated turns and asks for someone to come over to it.  And if anyone touches it, they are consumed, and become part of the chain of entity.  So now the creature is the culmination of the railing, the person that grabbed it, and the person that grabbed them.  The creature can't really crawl or move around, but expands based off connections to living material.

A child walking down the street steps on a patch of asphalt that looks like asphalt, but is immediately consumed.  To everyone, the kid just looks like they're standing on one foot, middle of the hopscotch routine, but they're already dead.  And the creature taps into vocals and movements, and reads their thoughts, and knows how to act, and the little kid, still frozen in place, turns toward their parents, and asks them to come help them.  And parents, eager to help their kids come over to scoop them up, but are immediately consumed, frozen, and now join in calling others over to "help".  Like a beckoning venus fly trap, that sounds, acts, and looks like your loved ones, or innocent bystanders.  Everything is questioned for safety.

And each EnTity, a distinction given for these particular creatures, have different personalities, meaning they aren't just parasites, but have actual intentions, which make them very frightening to consider.  Some lay around until they are touched, and consume and expand, never moving.  Some manipulate what they touch to seem more appealing.  Some will shoot out webbing or arms like tentacles to grab people if they get too close.  Each develops traits they learn to be most effective for where they land.  Only the largest EnTities can move themselves around.  The largest, EnTity 0001, also known as Momma Blob, spins like a ball around cities, picking up people like a lint-roller.

Anyways, that's the idea I'm going with.

I'll explore avenues, and learn the story, and begin writing on Saturday or Sunday.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend