Rage and ASMR

System of a Frown

Holy shit-pickle, Batman -- what a week!  Let me start by staying I had a pretty big crisis rooted in existentialism over the weekend, and ended up so depressed and feeling a sense of hopelessness/pointlessness that I haven't been able to focus or sleep.  I'm very tired... of just so many things.  I'm tired of a job that demands so much more of me than I really want to give it, and having so little that I'm passionate about outside of work that even if I worked less, I'd find another form of disappointment waiting for me, with a waffle and cigar in-hand each night.

And I'm not quite over it all yet, but need to find ways of staying positive.  I thought research activities would keep me intrigued enough to stave off the feelings, but it didn't.  What did start to help was researching things to research... ironically.  And that is leading to the need to record my thoughts right now, as I need to make some more changes to my self and schedule.

Kempo, Painting, Harmonica(?), Jazz drums, sanding...

I got massively distracted for the rest of the day.  The above are hobbies, which I feel I could do as a means of calming down at the end of each day.  For Kempo, it's more of the slower style of technique in martial arts, like Tai Chi, but similar to the Karate Kid III kata that Daniel does.  Something slow, intentional, focused.  Painting doesn't necessarily have to be Bob Ross style, but can be aggressive or even angry -- a channel in which I can focus my thoughts and let it all out.  Harmonica is a bit of a toss-up for me, because it's loud and abrasive, but is small and compact, so it can be taken with me on trips, and relied on for a vacation form of calming down, as long as I can play it calmly and softly.  Jazz drums is just another way of saying "banging away" to the beat of life.  Sanding means that I might try and shape wood, solely through the merits of hand-sanding things.  It will take a long time to get projects done, but they are meant to help calm me down, and slowly degrading a piece of wood into a precise intention sounds highly relaxing to me.  Nothing rough or aggressive -- just the slow, perceived motions of grinding something into nothingness.

I might even start with a bow, and buy a piece of hickory (though I wish bamboo was more available), and trace out a pattern.  Spend time on a Saturday cutting off the bigger chunks, and begin sanding down the edges into something smooth.  Maybe even use some of my painting tools to help with little grooves or decorations.

Then make some arrows, create the fletching and arrowheads, and connect with a string.  Then maybe find a range to test it out on.

I'm considering making an ASMR channel on youtube with it all, but that will cause some stress.  I might record it, but not post it for now, until I know it works for me.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend