Bob and Ross

Into the Void

I have had a not-so-great week when it comes to sanity and self-esteem.  The last time I felt this down was over a decade ago, and it was largely caused from an obsession with numbers that I once had, which led to me blacking out, and coming to lodged upside-down under a desk that was already much too small for just my legs.  This episode didn't result in that, as I discovered a fix for it before I fully cracked, and that was sunlight.  The sun seemed to melt away a lot of the claustrophobic feelings I was enduring.  It didn't cure me entirely, but stopped me just short of toppling over the edge and blacking out.

However, since then, I had very terrible sleep on Sunday night, which led to fatigue Monday, and increased stress, causing anxiety, making it harder to sleep.  Cue Wednesday night, where my 3-hour nap didn't do enough for me, and I had to go home halfway through Thursday so I could try and sleep.  Some help from firewater and a sleep-assisted medicine, and I took a quick nap in my computer chair, followed by another 3-hour nap in my bed.  I ate dinner, groggily watched a movie, and then dozed off again for another 8 hours.  12 hours total, and now I feel stupid for having to take a half-day because of stress levels not being taken care of.

So now I'm needing to implement some better stress releases.  And really, I don't know what will do it.  While emotional escapes will help, I find most of my stress comes from worrying about things, and scenarios which might come up.  So it really feels like something I need to do to slow my mind down, which I've only done with some sort of substance.  And as I've stated in the past, at least vocally, I can't rely on a substance to exist, as that would indicate that I no longer have much of a say over my life.  And I can't be okay with that.

How do I slow my mind down?  All I can think of is meditation, but how?  Do I learn about means of reprogramming my mind, and see if I can force it into a shut-down cycle?  Do I discover a mantra that I iterate when I need to sleep, and eventually saying that will induce the chemicals my brain needs to allow REM?  Hell, maybe trying to employ the terrifying concept of lucid dreaming should be used, so I can adequately express myself in a particular situation, as psychotically as I want, without worrying about ramifications.  I.  Don't.  Know.

So now, at the end of the week, looking toward the weekend with some apprehension of how it will go, or what I will be able to accomplish, and am already regretting Monday, despite the changes I will be making to my diet.  Since, regardless of the presence and health of my mind, if I don't address the health in my body, I will absolutely not have enough time to benefit from getting my mind there.  If I have any shot of maybe doing Scotland in December, which is 3 months away, I need something extreme.  And right now, being closer to 480 in size, getting to or under 400 by Christmas is a bit dangerous, but feels absolutely necessary.

I've already ordered what I need for this change and new schedule, and hopefully my new schedule will dictate for me what I do and don't have time to do.

Perhaps I do need an evening routine, which I must do before bed.  I shall explore that tonight, in preparation for next week.  

Work has suffered as a result of all this, as my motivation to be me is just so low, pretending to be someone else is just not happening.

-Your Semi-Retarded Friend