A Simple Solution

Cubing the Gleam

I didn't do a post on Saturday to reflect on Friday, but I'm doing one today for the weekend in general.  I'm not going to lie -- my disclaimer for this post is that I'm feeling abnormally irritable today.  I don't really know why.  I'd like to blame it on lack of sleep, or lack of dreams, or lack of... just so much, but that's hard to do when I know last week was just so much worse.

I guess if I took a look at everything coming up, I'm trying to get my portion of my parents' retirement party in order, and realizing that with my Pop in town this weekend, that means I have next weekend only to get the things done.  I also need to schedule some stuff for Saturday that I haven't done anything about yet, and get a script refilled at the pharmacy, along with submitting time to go to WA in 3 weeks, researching cameras for my Pop, sending him recommendations, and then committing on a weekend to head down to install them, get them connected, and to a place they can watch from out-of-state.  All of that while I'm entertaining guests from out of state this whole week, trying to stay active with my exercise plan, not get too depressed, and figure out ways to progress the team at work without sacrificing too much along the way.  And trying to do that while getting frequent new ideas to discuss on how to make it better from those whom would rather sit and discuss for two hours on something that takes an hour to do, instead of just doing it and moving on.

My weekend was fine, filled with random adventures, and being out of the house.  That was good for me, but my thoughts were plagued with the things that I don't know I'm not doing, and how to identify that and more closely mimic the behaviors of others.  And then considering going to a therapist to talk about things, but fitting that into my current schedule, with what's coming up, just feels like it's not going to work out too great, and likely skew the results of whatever it is we discuss.  Even on days like today, I'm certain going in would make me lose my temper, or at least some faith in my perception of self to be upfront and honest and instead be a bit withholding so as to not burn a bridge before plans start to be put down about it.

Optimus Sign

I saw a buddy whom I haven't seen in 18 months.  I don't typically talk to him much, since we typically share the same stories and discuss the same things that we did in the previous chat.  It gets a bit mundane.  And, like a movie that you frequently watch, but only enjoy a few parts of, when the generally less interesting parts come up, you tend to zone out, or see if you can speed them up.

Well since it had been so long, we had a lot to share, none of which was typical.  So it was good, and missed, and found myself wanting to reach out again in a few weeks to see how he was doing.  But perhaps I should let him know that reminiscing about high school is just so far out of my mind I get a headache getting back into it.  Maybe he'll be okay with it?  He married very soon after serving an LDS mission, so for him, high school was his last instance where he was making decisions for him.  For me, those decision happen each day.  We're in vastly different places and states of mind that sometimes drawing on those differences can help in seeing why we keep jumping back, but I never really find it helpful.

I don't know what to say or do.

And my mind keeps going back to therapy.  See, I prefer female massage therapists because guys see me, and just presume that since I'm a big dude, they have to rip into me super hard, and it's always painful.  I've gotten massage from a dozen men, and they always ignore my request to lighten up on the pressure.  When I'm dealing with men in a seemingly sympathetic role, I find them less easy to communicate with or rely upon.

I think I'd prefer a female therapist, but not certain if I'd feel comfortable talking about sexual frustrations, without it tapping into something that would likely cause sexual frustrations in that moment.

I'm just making everything more difficult today.  I don't know why.  I guess the theme for today is, "I don't know, and I don't know why I don't know."

I did watch some coverage over that flight from 2009 that crashed in the Hudson, and how it all went down.  Teared up a few times, and even had some anxiety I had to push through.  Perhaps I just need a good cry to help me unwind.

We'll see.

That's all for today.