Saints and Siths

Unfortunate Realties

It's been several days.  I haven't meant it to be gapped like this, and my current effort has been better than my previous attempts, so that feels like a win.

Let me explain the gap:

My results came back as benign, a crappier strategy was decided upon, others are imposing their uneducated opinions into my realm, and it's incredibly distracting.  I'm trying to accomplish a lot for myself, work, my family, and community.  And honestly, it's a bit overwhelming.  And recording it seems like an activity that I can't afford to do, despite spending a lot of time today wasted on videos while I contemplate what to do next.

And here's my dilemma:  I can't seem to find the proper motivation in my current state of life.  I've tried to change little things here and there, but it's not really working for me.  Almost like I'm drowning, and need to get air -- a small puff to an already exhausted pair of lungs won't help as much as it will patronize.  I need something big and drastic.

Maybe that means a change of self, or a change of location, or change of work, or change of approach.  I've gotten too complacent with how things are, and they aren't necessarily good, hence the grasping for air metaphor.

How am I to change this then?

I've considered trying my hand at writing.  There is something inherently difficult for me in writing something larger -- more than a short story.  And I end up over-analyzing things.  I get worried about how someone might try to read into what I'm writing, or how it might impact my family or my family's perspective of me, and then I stop, or rewrite myself into a wall to avoid the pile of shit I was wading through to get to the next scene.  I either need to write something without using my mind to do it, or press forward with a very self-destructive mentality, looking forward to the concept of morphing my relationships to that of concerns and worries about my frame of mind.  The time from writing to having it proofread by friends, feedback, sending to publishing house, awaiting feedback, and seeing how I do, over the course of several iterations of attempts, this is a years-away sort of plan, where the soonest time is like 6 months from now, and that's if I started now.  And I can tell you my heart just sank as I considered doing that.

Being an all-or-nothing kind of guy, that means getting rid of the limited time I already have to something that's going to take a lot out of me.  I'll be at work for 60 hours each week, sleeping, hopefully for 56 hours, giving me 90 minutes each night for writing, and then weekends for hours to get it done.

Here's the gamble behind that -- if I did that, I would be having to rely solely on my work time to get better at programming, and prepare for what might come in December.

And that would mean that I'm programming most of the time.  But what do I program?  I could work on automation tests, and improving the framework, but... I should do that.  I was hesitant, thinking I should give it to my guys to be able to learn and build on their own, but there's no guarantee that they will want to, or even find time to do so between now and then.

So that might work, but it'd be taking the concept of a jail sentence a bit too literally.  I suppose that after my sister moves closer to the parents, then my social distractions would pretty much disappear.  I could reach out to frequent friends and simply say, "I'm working on some personal stuff, so I'm sorry, but leave me alone until the end of the year."

That actually sounds like it could work, and my heart fluttered up as much as it went down considering writing all the damn time.

Turn the desk in my room meant for study into a writing desk.  Figure out the password for my crappy laptop so videos and games can't be installed.  And then write on that.

I'm not certain how easy it will be to turn off the critical side right after work into the creative side, without some bleeding over.  The mental exhaustion will be high after work each night.  Perhaps I'll need the critical to go over plot points, map out direction, and figure out story directions and plans then.  Perhaps the logistics of the story can be worked out throughout the week, and the weekends are where I do the serious writing, in back-to-back fashion.  Wake up, eat breakfast, do some stretching, sit and write until lunch.  Eat something small, write until dinner.  Write some more after dinner, and go to sleep, having written all day.  Then take Sunday to relieve stress -- go for a walk, or cry, or work the punching bag, or fly to the moon and dance among the stars.  I could find cultural activities, visit museums, historical sites, or just be in public for the hell of it.  Maybe even take my scrollpad with me to jot down thoughts or ideas, or references to make throughout the stories I'm writing to give them a bit more character.

My totems at home remind me every day of things I need to do.  But I'm doing them more as a static exercise of qualifying them because of how life just practically is for me, instead of actually working them to completion.  Perhaps something actually psychotic for them is needed to actually make an impact.  I could paint in the background with red... until it feels like I have filled them up.

Something I was considering doing for this drastic change is to throw out my excess.  I have a tinker table with piles of stuff on it that I know I won't be using anytime soon.  I have a bookshelf with books I don't need because the Internet exists.  Perhaps I could/should declutter my life before I start to make it less complicated first, and then move into something larger.

This weekend I'm... I don't know.  Those who answered my messages for videos will send me whatever.  The next weekend is the party.  The following... I don't know.  Perhaps this weekend I should declutter.  Throw it all out.  Then at WA, finish that task, give out all that I have left for the cluttering, and know it's now past.  Then begin the push.  Selfishly.  But not for the long-term.  Just so I can afford to not be selfish any longer.

The thing is that I know Jack would support it.  He's always been a good friend like that.  The others, I don't know.  It might feel more personal to say, "leave me alone."  Should I close out of facebook?  Any other social medias?  Uninstall dating apps and games from my phone?  Carry my scrollbook more around than my phone?  Turn off my computer upstairs, and really just keep my door closed while I work each night?

Create a Room of One's Own

What aspects of me would I lose?  Which aspects should I lose?  What should I seek to gain back?  It would likely seem like depression has set in.  My general chipper nature might wane or fade.  Perhaps my patience would go with it, or would increase with my lack of need to control as I am given a world of my own to do with whatever I want, I won't need to do it here?

Not go see a therapist until I have the time or need to.  The goal going forward would be to program into something in December.  And if I hadn't sold a book then, try for the car move, and try that lifestyle.  Perhaps my time at work would decrease, and I can revisit my game plan.  For now, I think I need to embrace the shadows, more than struggle for the sun, and play a gambit toward a cave that might harbor air, instead of dashing toward the surface.

I wonder if I can write emotion into something without emotion...